Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
