I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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