Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
