I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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