This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
