had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize