Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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