hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
