I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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