you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
