using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
