I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
