after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
