What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I cut my penus on the lid.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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