Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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