so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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