I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
