my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just found a bag of teeth...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
