He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
