Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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