my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
