At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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