so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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