He asked to "fluff my boner.."
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
