Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
