Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize