rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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