i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
