It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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