when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
