bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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