I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
