hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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