I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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