20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
