Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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