what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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