I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
