i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
