Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We left an ass print on the piano.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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