YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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