I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
