she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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