So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
