Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
