Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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