There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
