dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
