i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize