1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
