Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize