I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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