I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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