Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
