I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
