Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
