Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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