Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
