I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
